Cultivating Self-Compassion: Practices and Exercises

Many of us struggle with being our own worst critic. We have no problem feeling empathy, understanding, and sorrow for our friends, but when it comes to our own suffering, we tend to be cold and unsympathetic friends to ourselves. This is a deficit in self-compassion, or the ability to empathize with, understand, and comfort yourself. When some people hear the words self compassion, they may tense up, thinking that they’re about to be encouraged to falsely aggrandise themself and become self-centered. This reaction is certainly understandable, and it comes from confusing self compassion with grandiosity, which is a tendency to be narcissistically pompous or superior. In self-compassion, we allow ourselves to acknowledge and understand a mistake or shortcoming of ours, and still love ourselves, flaws and all; in grandiosity, a person does not recognise mistakes or areas for growth. You can be humble and still be self-compassionate - the two go hand in hand. In this article, we’ll go over a few therapist-approved exercises to help you cultivate self-compassion. 

1. The Compassionate Hand. This exercise from Acceptance and Commitment therapist Russ Harris uses visualization and acceptance techniques to encourage a sense of self-empathy and kindness. In this context, a ‘reality gap’ means the change or thing you want but do not yet have - for example, a life without depression, a better partner, etc. Try following the narrative exercise below. 

1. “I invite you now to find a comfortable position in which you are centered and alert. For example, if you’re seated in a chair, you could lean slightly forward, straighten your back, drop your shoulders, and press your feet gently onto the floor. Now bring to mind a reality gap you are struggling with. Take a few moments to reflect on the nature of this gap: remember what has happened, consider how it is affecting you, and think about how it might affect your future. And notice what difficult thoughts and feelings arise. Pick one of your hands, and imagine it’s the hand of someone very kind and caring. Place this hand, slowly and gently, on whichever part of your body hurts the most. Perhaps you feel the pain most in your chest or in your head, neck, or stomach. Wherever it is most intense, lay your hand there. (If you’re numb, lay your hand on the part that feels the numbest. If you’re feeling neither pain nor numbness, then simply rest your hand on the center of your chest.)

2. Allow your hand to rest there, lightly and gently; feel it against your skin or against your clothes. And feel the warmth flowing from your palm into your body. Now imagine your body softening around this pain: loosening up, softening, and making space. If you’re numb, then soften and loosen around that numbness. (And if you’re neither hurting nor numb, then imagine it any way you like. You might imagine that in some magical sense your heart is opening, for example.) Hold your pain or numbness very gently. Hold it as if it is a crying baby, or a whimpering puppy, or a priceless work of art. Infuse this gentle action with caring and warmth—as if you are reaching out to someone you care about. Let the kindness flow from your fingers into your body. Now use both of your hands in one kind gesture. Place one hand on your chest and the other on your stomach. Let them gently rest there, and hold yourself kindly. Take as long as you wish to sit in this manner, connecting with yourself, caring for yourself, contributing comfort and support. Continue this for as little or as long as you wish: five seconds or five minutes, it doesn’t matter. It’s the spirit of kindness that counts when you make this gesture, not the duration of it.” (Harris, 2012)

2. Loving-kindness meditations. Loving-kindness meditations (LKM) are mindfulness-based practices that help people develop compassion and kindness for self and others. These mediations, which can last anywhere from a few minutes to an hour, typically start with cultivating love and compassion for oneself before expanding it outward to others and the outside world. Resources abound for LKM meditations, both in written script format and in audio guided format. We suggest the app Calm to find mediations, but YouTube also has many free examples. 

1. If you have 10 minutes to practice a LKM, check out this guided video from Calm on Youtube (Calm, 2019). 

3. Self-kindness letters. Journaling or letter-writing to yourself is an effective way of processing feelings and practicing self-love. If you have 15-30 minutes to spare and some pencil and paper, try this written exercise from Dr. Kristin Neff, the leading psychology scholar on self-compassion. 

1. “Part One: Which imperfections make you feel inadequate? Everybody has things about themselves that they don’t like, that cause them to feel shame, to feel insecure, or not “good enough.” It is the human condition to be imperfect, and feelings of failure and inadequacy are part of the experience of living a human life. Try writing about an issue you have that tends to make you feel inadequate or bad about yourself (physical appearance, work or relationship issues…) What emotions come up for you when you think about this aspect of yourself? Try to just feel your emotions exactly as they are – no more, no less – and then write about them.

2. Part Two: Write a letter to yourself from the perspective of an unconditionally loving imaginary friend. Now think about an imaginary friend who is unconditionally loving, accepting, kind and compassionate. Imagine that this friend can see all your strengths and all your weaknesses, including the aspect of yourself you have just been writing about. Reflect upon what this friend feels towards you, and how you are loved and accepted exactly as you are, with all your very human imperfections. This friend recognizes the limits of human nature, and is kind and forgiving towards you. In his/her great wisdom this friend understands your life history and the millions of things that have happened in your life to create you as you are in this moment. Your particular inadequacy is connected to so many things you didn’t necessarily choose: your genes, your family history, life circumstances – things that were outside of your control.

3. Write a letter to yourself from the perspective of this imaginary friend – focusing on the perceived inadequacy you tend to judge yourself for. What would this friend say to you about your “flaw” from the perspective of unlimited compassion? How would this friend convey the deep compassion he/she feels for you, especially for the pain you feel when you judge yourself so harshly? What would this friend write in order to remind you that you are only human, that all people have both strengths and weaknesses? And if you think this friend would suggest possible changes you should make, how would these suggestions embody feelings of unconditional understanding and compassion? As you write to yourself from the perspective of this imaginary friend, try to infuse your letter with a strong sense of his/her acceptance, kindness, caring, and desire for your health and happiness.

4. Part Three: Feel the compassion as it soothes and comforts you After writing the letter, put it down for a little while. Then come back and read it again, really letting the words sink in. Feel the compassion as it pours into you, soothing and comforting you like a cool breeze on a hot day. Love, connection and acceptance are your birthright. To claim them you need only look within yourself” (Self-Compassion Institute, 2024).

We hope you find these self-compassion resources helpful. Like any other skill or muscle, self-compassion must be practiced and strengthened to become second nature. With time, practice, and intent, deep self-love and understanding can be built. If you’re struggling with self-esteem, and feeling like these at-home exercises aren’t enough, then consider reaching out to a mental health professional. Our experienced therapists here at AWC can teach you how to build self-compassion, alleviate mental health symptoms, and make the choices that lead to the life you dream of. 

References 

Calm. (2019, January 27). Calm Challenge | Day 27 [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mcz3RrJHpuA

Harris, R. (2012). The reality slap: Finding Peace and Fulfillment When Life Hurts. New Harbinger  Publications.

Self-Compassion Institute. (2024, January 26). Exercise 3: Exploring self-compassion through writing - Self-Compassion. https://self-compassion.org/exercises/exercise-3-exploring-self-compassion-through-writing/