The 5 Stages of Grief: Fact or Fiction?
If you’ve experienced a recent loss, it’s likely that you’ve heard of the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These stages, developed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in 1969, have become so ubiquitous in our culture that they can almost seem prescriptive, like they outline the way grief is “supposed” to go. But did you know that these stages weren’t even developed to describe grief after the loss of a loved one? That's right, Kübler-Ross developed these stages based on interviews with patients who were terminally ill. So if the five stages were never meant to describe grief after loss, how accurate are they, really? To start, let’s define the five stages as:
Denial: a conscious or unconscious decision to deny the veracity of the diagnosis/reality.
Anger: attempting to place the blame on a figure/figures.
Bargaining: attempts to distance oneself from the event by negotiating with oneself or higher power figures.
Depression: sadness when faced with the helplessness of the situation.
Acceptance: stability as one accepts the event.
These stages may accurately describe the stages of grief one goes through upon receiving a terminal diagnosis, but the research on whether or not they apply to grief of loss is mixed at best. The best conclusion we can draw from this research is that if these stages exist, they are not linear. This means that one stage may be experienced before another or there may be a cycle back and forth between stages. Additionally, there’s no timeline for grief. One person may reach acceptance years before another, and that’s normal. Some people report never feeling like they are “done” grieving, but continue to recover psychologically anyways.
The bottom line is that there is no right way to grieve. Besides the grief associated with the loss of a loved one or a terminal diagnosis, there is also grief of opportunities or experiences we never had, grief over romantic and platonic relationships ending, grief associated with losing a job or a home, and even secondary grief experienced when you care deeply about someone who has endured a major loss themselves. The five stages may help us mentally organize the confusing process or give us hope that peace and acceptance are possible, and maybe these benefits make the five stages model worthwhile despite their lack of scientific evidence. Humans are storytelling creatures - we strive to create meaning even where there is none. In situations where loss is senseless, and it often is, the stages may provide an outline for how we can derive meaning out of loss.
If you’ve experienced a loss, the five stages may or may not provide meaning or relief. The good news is there are many other alternative strategies for working through grief. Some of the best tips include:
Establish a simple daily routine in the wake of a loss.
Try to stay active and visit your doctor to ensure your own health is not neglected.
Connect with others who may relate to your feelings, such as relatives of the deceased or a local grief support group.
Set aside “grief time” to process the loss. Some ideas for this time include journaling, creating a memory book, and talking to the person as though they were sitting next to you.
Avoid making major decisions such as whether or not to sell a home or when to sort through belongings for at least a year, until the emotions aren’t as fresh.
Dealing with loss is a confusing, scary process, especially if you feel alone in your grief. If you feel overwhelmed by your emotions, are having trouble taking care of yourself, or simply want someone to talk to, reach out to a therapist to help you process this major event.
References
McVean, A. (2019, June 2). It’s time to let the five stages of grief die. Office for Science and Society. https://www.mcgill.ca/oss/article/health-history/its-time-let-five-stages-grief-die
Strategies and tips for grieving. Dana-Farber Cancer Institute. (n.d.). https://www.dana-farber.org/health-library/strategies-tips-for-grieving
